my mistakes
by the unfeeling rock
Summary: if you're reading this then my mind has deteriorated beyond repair & I'm immobile. you've probably asked me the same questions hundreds of times, & I've always sidestepped them. I've was waiting until you were old enough to explain everything. the truth is I was destined to die alone in a safe house never knowing another soul. but destiny is never set in stone. sasu/oc gaara/oc


**~Ume**

I swallow the lump I feel forming in my throat as I watch Tsunade-obaasan slide the door shut silently behind her. Her lips are pressed into a thin line, hurt clear in her soft brown eyes.

"Obaasan?" I ask.

My voice comes out a strained squeak, and I almost clap my hands over my mouth.

"How is she?" Kaito-niichan asks after a second.

His vibrant red hair falls delicately over his dark eyes as he looks down at the floor.

"I'm afraid she just keeps getting worse," Tsunade-obaaasan eventually says.

She rakes her fingers through her bangs as I feel Ryuu step up beside me and take a hold of my hand.

I look down at my little brother, resisting the urge to brush his ebony bangs back from his face. I know he'll just get mad at me if I do.

"Shit," Shi-obasan curses as she leans back against the wall.

She sinks to the floor, burying her face in her hands and letting locks of her long white hair billow out around her.

"I'm sorry," Tsunade-obaasan whispers as she rests a hand on Shi-obasan's head. "But there's nothing I can do…it's all in her head."

"So what do we do from here?" Shi-obasan finally asks in a cracked voice.

"You're not going to like it," Tsunade-obaasan warns her.

"When do I ever?" Shi-obasan retaliates as she raises her head.

"I'd say she has a few months…maybe a year if you can get her to keep eating."

I feel a harsh pang rock my body as those words leave Tsunade-obaasan's lips. It's scary knowing they're talking about our kaa-san right here.

"It's that bad huh?" Shi-obasan sighs.

"Yes," Tsunade-obaasan replies. "How often does she talk to you…or interact with the kids?"

"Not much," Shi-obasan confesses. "She does talk to me still sometimes…but it's like she's just given up."

"She came to long enough to say happy birthday to Nii-san a few days ago," Ryuu interjects. "But she hardly says anything anymore."

Tsunade-obaasan nods before turning back to Shi-obasan.

"What does she say when she talks to you Shi?" she asks.

"She usually just mumbles. And it's usually things that I don't understand."

"She usually mutters about flowers and rainbows," I say in what I hope sounds like a strong voice. "And sometimes…about keys."

Tsunade-obaasan nods as she picks up her bag from the floor. She turns to my brothers and I before bowing her head slightly.

"What are you planning to do?" she asks Kaito-niichan.

"I'm not sure," he confesses as pain flickers through his onyx eyes. "I guess we've just been foolish enough to believe it would never get this bad."

"You know, you can continue to live here," Shi-obasan says as she finally pulls herself up to her feet.

"Or you can come with me back to Konohagakure with me and continue your training under me," Tsunade-obaasan offered.

"May we have some time to think?" he asks calmly.

"Of course," Tsunade-obaasan says before turning back to Shi-obasan. "I'll be back in a few weeks. But send word if there are any changes in her before then."

Shi-obasan nods and turns to escort Tsunade-obaasan out, leaving us standing silently in the hallway.

Ryuu is the first to move. He lets go of my hand and slips silently into Kaa-san's room.

I bite down on my lower lip as I follow after him, with Kaito-niichan just a few steps behind me.

We sit down beside Ryuu, who's clutching Kaa-san's hand like it's the only think keeping her alive.

Kaa-san is completely unresponsive as always, as she lies there on her futon, her wide crimson eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

She used to be so beautiful.

When we were younger she was thinner, she had a healthy glow to her face, even though her left cheek was marred by an ugly scar, and her eyes sparkled when she laughed. Her hair was the same scarlet of her eyes, and used to flow freely down to her hips, and shone with lovely orange-gold undertones.

Now her skin is doughy and pale, making the scar standing out harshly in contrast, and her eyes have dulled. Her features and body have rounded out and her hair is brittle and kept in a tight braid to keep it from getting tangled.

It's heartbreaking to see her like this.

"Kaa-san please talk to us," Ryuu pleads softly as he squeezes her hand.

Even though I know it's close to pointless, I find myself wanting to plead out loud with him. I crawl to the other side of the futon and clasp her other hand, doing my best to keep from crying. Crying and screaming never worked to bring her back to us before, so I go with Ryuu's approach.

"You can't leave us yet Kaa-san…" I whisper. "There's still so much you haven't told us."

"How are we ever going to find out who our tou-san is if you leave us now?" Kaito-niichan asks through grit teeth. "All we know is that Shi-oba thinks he's a bastard and wants to kill him for doing this to you."

"Is that…so…?"

All our heads snap up as we hear Kaa-san's voice. It's weak and faint, but it's there.

"Kaa-san!" I gasp as I clutch her hand harder.

My heart soars when she squeezes back weakly. Her barely focused eyes lazily scan our faces before they flutter over to her desk.

"The key…" she trails off.

"What key?" Ryuu anxiously as the glazed look in her eyes begins to return.

"Second…drawer…will unlock…un…der…the bay…win...dow…"

And with that her eyes completely glaze over and she's stuck in her own world again. My stomach plummets as her grip on my hand goes slack.

"What is she talking about?" Kaito-niichan mutters as he gets up and walks over to the desk.

"Is there a key in there?" I ask as he yanks open the second drawer and scans its contents.

"Yeah," he replies as he pulls out a dull copper key hanging on a battered cord.

The cord is knotted, like it was meant to be used as a necklace. I wrack my brains quickly, trying to remember if I'd ever seen Kaa-san wear it before. But I come up with nothing.

"Is there even a bay window in this house?" Ryuu asks quietly.

"I've never seen one," Kaito-niichan replies as he walks back towards us. "But then again, this isn't really our house."

"You think Kazu, Haruka, or Kuuko would know?" I ask.

"It's worth a shot," Kaito-niichan says as he walks over to the door. "C'mon, the sooner we find the window, the sooner we can come back to Kaa-san."

I give her hand one more squeeze before getting to my feet and following Ryuu to the door.

"Is she doing ok?"

My head snaps up as I see Kazu and his sisters standing just outside the door.

He looks down on me with his intense blue eyes, which flicker with some emotion that normally isn't there.

I look away quickly before I start blushing, and let Kaito-niichan do all the talking as always.

"Tsunade-obaasan has given her a year at the most," he says monotonly.

"We're sorry," Haruka says in an uncharacteristically serious tone. "We all really liked her."

"Maybe you can help us," Kaito-niichan continues. "Is there a bay window anywhere in this house?"

"I don't think so…" Haruka trails off as she furrows her brows.

"There's one in the upstairs attic."

We all look down at Kuuko, who's partially hidden behind Kazu. Her white hair falls into her icy blue eyes, which are downcast now that all the attention is on her.

"Behind the other door."

"Thanks Kuuko-chan!" Ryuu yells before taking off down the hall.

"Excuse us," Kaito-niichan says before starting off after him.

I wave to the three of them before following my brothers. I hear Haruka whisper something to her own siblings as I round the corner.

I don't know where the hell Ryuu ran off to. I didn't know this place even had an attic.

I just follow the sound of thundering footsteps until I turn another corner and find myself at the end of a hallway watching aito-niichan scramble up a ladder that cascades down from the ceiling.

It leads into a sort of reverse trap door, exposing a dimly lit room above it.

Wow…I never even realized there was a door there…

"You coming Ume?"

Kaito-niichan looks down on me from the hole in the ceiling, the beginnings of impatience clouding his features.

I nod, and by the time I'm pulling myself into the dusty room Ryuu's on the other side of it, jiggling the doorknob of the next room over.

"The stupid key doesn't fit!" he growls.

I sigh at his impatience and pull a pin out of my onyx hair.

"Calm down," I order as I fit the pin in the lock. "I doubt Shi-obasa would be happy if you broke her door."

As soon as the lock clicks we step into a room filled with thick layers of undisturbed dust.

It's completely empty, and the only light comes from the sunlight pouring though a large bay window. And right underneath the seat, there's a drawer with a dulled copper lock.

Ryuu rushes over, sending up clouds of dust everywhere. And as soon as it all clears, the drawer is open with the key still stuck in the lock and Ryuu's holding a thick book, staring blankly at the first page.

"It's a letter from Kaa-san," he whispers as he collapses down onto the bay window's seat.

Kaito-niichan and I brave the clouds of dust this time and sit on either side of him, and begin reading eagerly over his shoulder.

Kaito, Ume, and Ryuunosuke,

If you're reading this, then by now my mind has deteriorated beyond repair and I'm most likely stuck in some sort of a stupor.

I'm sorry. I really am. It must be hard having a mother who's trapped inside her own all day and left you to fend for yourself.

Trust me when I say I would give anything to be able to watch you grow into fine Shinobi and have families of your own.

But even now as I write this, I can feel the faintest sensation of something gnawing away at the edges of my sanity.

Ryuunosuke, I had just decided on your name this evening. You're still in mama's tummy, and Kaito and Ume are downstairs playing with Kazu and Haruka.

Words cannot describe how much I envy the childhood you're going to have. But I know it's going to be one full of questions I know I won't answer.

By now you've probably asked me the same questions hundreds of times, and I've always sidestepped them. But I've been waiting until you were old enough to understand to explain everything to you.

But obviously that's not happening if you're reading this.

So I'll start with I'm guessing will be your most frequently asked question.

Who is your father?

Well for starters, I haven't seen him in months, and am not sure if he'll ever live to meet you three.

As a matter of fact...I'm not even sure if he is aware that he is a father.

But try not to be to harsh on him.

He's one of the harder people to understand, and even I don't know if I ever knew him as well as I thought I did. Because when it came down to it, he left us here to carry out the revenge he has sought all his life.

I'm not trying to warp your opinion of your father, but will state the facts as they are. You can form your own opinion of him after you finish reading this…I guess you can call this a diary of sorts.

I really don't know where to begin, for there are so many memories that I wish to share with you, both good and bad.

Some so bad I wish that I had never agreed to have a memory jutsu placed on me.

But I wish to make one thing clear before I start.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and hope that as you read about them, you'll learn not to make the same ones.

So I guess I'll start with my earliest memories of life with your grandparents…and the reason why you never knew them.

Well…here goes nothing.

As a child I'd always wondered why your grandmother would have given me a name that meant 'belonging to the dark.'

You don't usually expect six or seven year olds to have these kinds of thoughts. But when you've spent all your childhood in a run down house hidden miles within a dense forest with no one your age to talk to, there's not really much to do but sit around and think.

I always thought her reasoning behind it was my eyes.

From the first time I opened them, they were pure scarlet, and looked like they belonged on the face of some kind of bloodthirsty demon.

She had assured me over and over again that that had nothing to do with how she named me.

She had simply thought that Kurono was a pretty name.

A pretty name for her pretty little girl.

But whenever I looked at my reflection all I ever saw was a scrawny pale girl with eyes that seemed too big for her face and hair that was like a snarl of red flames.

But it's not like it actually mattered what I looked like. There was hardly ever anyone in the compound besides my parents and me.

But to keep me content in this tedious, stale solitude they decided to train me in the Shinobi ways.

Your grandfather was my normal sensei, but every once in a while a pretty blond lady came by to teach me things like healing and strength training.

By now you'll probably know her as Tsunade or Obaa-san.

She would disappear for long periods of time, so whenever she was there she stayed for a week or two at a time.

It was nice to have her around, but it still wasn't the same as having a friend.

I never understood why I couldn't leave this musty old house and meet people for myself. Your grandmother would always tell me it was dangerous, and I could never go further than the line of trees.

I eventually found out why.

It wasn't just me that could never leave the compound. It was all of us.

You see, I found out we were all mistakes.

It's really amazing how people think kids are oblivious to all the important things around them.

They underestimate the power our curiosity. Especially the curiosity of an eight year old who had hardly ever set foot outside her compound.

It was on one of those nights when no matter how hard you try, you just can't fall asleep. It was well past midnight, and your grandparents were pretty much dead to the world.

I eventually found myself wandering up to our attic room. Under normal circumstances I'd have been terrified to do that, but then again, the curiosity was overwhelming.

It was dank, musty, and swirling with dust.

There was typical attic stuff up there, shelves full of old books with peeling spines, large trunks, and old broken toys from when I was younger.

But as I made my way towards the moonlit parts of the room, I saw there were parts of the room that weren't as covered in dust as others.

That's how I found the boxes filled with letters from an Aunt I never knew existed. There were tons of them, and as I read them over the next few weeks, I had managed to piece together a bit of a picture of what your grandparent's lives were like before I came into the picture.

Kind of the same thing you're doing now, only you have the more straightforward version.

Your grandfather came from the Narita Clan, who possessed the nature kekkei genkai steel release.

As the youngest for six siblings, he had a lot to live up to, and he failed to do so. No matter how hard he tried, he could not use steel release.

Your grandfather was a great Shinobi; he was just different from the rest of his clan…and thus labeled the disgrace.

But your great-grandfather decided it would be better for him to just disappear instead of letting his 'mistake' reproduce and create a weaker line.

He told your grandfather there was no honor or place in the clan for someone who couldn't master the kekkei genkai.

When your grandfather was 14, your great grandfather left him in the middle of the woods outside their hidden village, and told him it was better for him to end his life there than to let the Shinobi world know there was a weak link in the Narita Clan.

Then he left, leaving your grandfather with nothing other than a single kunai knife.

Your great aunt showed up later, and told him she had been planning for this for a while, and had prepared a safe house for him.

He followed her without much thought and she led him to the land of fire.

And on the way, they met your grandmother.

Like your grandfather, she was a mistake...only one of a slightly different nature.

Your grandmother was the illegitimate daughter of the Fire Daimyo and a servant girl from the land of wind.

She grew up a servant in his house until she was thirteen, and her identity was found out by the Daimyo.

He ordered her immediate death, but another servant over heard the order and got her out before the Shinobi arrived at the estate.

But the Shinobi had tracked her, and on the third night of her journey he caught up with her. He was about to kill her when your grandfather and great aunt found them.

They saved her…or well…your grandfather did.

They offered to let her travel with them and she eventually fell in love with your grandfather. She decided to stay with him at the safe house, and a few years later they were married.

Now I'm the product of two mistakes.

The ultimate mistake.

So when your grandmother named me Kurono, she wasn't thinking about my appearance at all. She was thinking about how I'd be destined to die alone in this 'safe house,' never knowing another soul.

But lesson number one my dears, is no matter what anyone tells you, your destiny is never set in stone.


End file.
